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本帖最后由 柏木雪狐 于 2017-6-22 23:51 编辑
My aplogozize for replying the following content in English, it's like sorts of encrypted but currently this might be the best solution i thought out, cuz I really need to dig a hole to write it down.
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Before I literally deleted pokermaster app for around 17th time, I probably made around 1.3m - 1.4m subtotall during the pasting 14 months, not that accurately cuz I stopped recording in Profit Tracker since I breakthrough the 1m milstone. Games are literally getting tougher, and many lvl 1 fish died or disappeared, lots of new young guns came into sight, with an average winning for more than 300K life, and I've even seen one unprecedently with +1m record in a singal account, named "AlphaGo", definitely a monsterous Grinding colossal.
What kind of path did I went through? You can all follow my thread and found out what happened, which I hope would be more meaningful than JianShe's post couples of years ago, kinda of taught me a lot (especially for not playing those notorious underground games) even though he's in jail now. My affluent winning supported me to rent a luxurious flat with my roomate, plus a Telsa and suppport lovely girlfriend to get a life. I m quite satisfied with my current life quality.
But somehow, those negative effect keep torturing me as well. And as my villain soon start getting tougher, the game's becoming drier and swing more furiously. I have to confess for this month, already much harded than the most lucractive April which I grinded out 250k+, for this month combined with busy word and intensive grinding session (at least 5 days 16+hrs constant on table, long-term sitting even hurt my back). Many times I SHOULD be on work or dealing with proper issues in company, but I didn't just cuz I digged a hole on the graph so I MUST come back over the top WITH ANY COST.
This dedication/determination/sturbborn spirits killed my schedudle totally. I postponed everything I could just in case I could grinded it out more 30mins on table. It drains my life energy and inspired me to be more greedy. a non-stop stuck on table til 3AM, til 5AM or even total stay-up, made me like a total-zombie-look in the next following day.
People always saying diligence paid off, they might be right on Sports, but Poker - very diversified. I can make a profit til now, even many talanted young guns have joined - basically cuz there are still on-tilt fish or even REGS. They know fine about skills, but have absolutely no idea about emotion/underwater control. They never got a tilt-breaker in their mind, which costs them hundreds of thousands in a short-period of time. I've very aware or this, and take advantage by exclusively playind those less than 30 mins endgames, and that's the key how I could always recover within 48 hours.
I confess many people w high EQs made much more than myself by playing those so juicy private boss games, but it's just not my way of living. Just the day I m typeing, two of my well-knowns buddies - both got flashy tourney winning (+$500k) on EPT/macau, were in custody just cuz they get involoved in dangerous private games. Nothing could save them now cuze this time the wagers is WAY TOO MUCH TO HANDLE, the police surely won't let them fly under the radar for this time and they literally in big trouble.
The booming of Chinese online poker era have literally saved lots of semi-pros life like me, the door is open and surely we won't miss this opportunity to kick the ball. But surely every gain comes with cost, and now I got absolutely no motivation to improvve my work and it's a total mess for recent days, just cuz I behaved pretty well in GPL China, took down two titles so the company still won't kicked me out, but I surely know I was exactly at the buttom line.
Unconsciously, I count my time by hours, by minutes, not by day/monthlys salary. My salary is around 130k-150k per months (improved from 100k last year), but my interal hourly income is around 1300-1500/hours. So if this morning I don't have any "emergency issues" to deal with, I normally multi-tabling for grinding and it "would be a nice moring" if I grinded it out 4k. Somehow not everyday supposed to be that smooth, and I definitely digging holes by some bad running/brutal suckout/coolers, and it won't be surpised if I -25k within two hours. Not a bad day yet since I still got the afternoon - but it only be proven that I WON'T doing any work-related issued before I breakeven.
Do you reckon that's a normal human being's lifestyle? Or the most ideal poker pro's life?
Aren't it suppoed to be like cool/leisure/fashionble style - not like nerdy Phil Galfond's - but Antonio Esfandiari's ?
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I write down this artile not for murmuring, but I m just fxxx yelling. I surely don't let poker control my life but unfortunately it is how thing happened - especially those juicy cash games, it grasped me, phsicailly and mentally, tempting me, filrting me, and made me not going anywhere.
Winners always want more, and losers want to breakeven. That's how this dark game - like Daniel Colman says - running like non-stop Wall Street.
Sorry for wasting you time guys, I use another lauguage just want to prove at least I m not that degenerated - and at least I learned sth even I ended up drop out of school and missed my master degree.
I got some reputaion cuz of my nanonoko's type graph, but like many ordinary people, I also hope I could ENJOY Sherlock series, videos games, girlfriend, or even SEX - but I failed to enjoy. The pure grinding value spirit has turned my into an pure EV machine - calculating exactly like ropot and put a tag on everything that potentially could be traded.
Literally I already fighting to take back my happiness for quite long time - even though I seemingly already got everything I need. But Greedy, is always haunting, hopfully I could stop it before it devoured my life. Does MTT player lives happier, or cash gamers? IDK - it looks like those rich smart amateurs are all quite happy.
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